


I would hold you down if I could

by crookedspoon



Series: [hcb] I will make you hurt [4]
Category: Nightwing (Comics)
Genre: Anal Sex, Forbidden Love, Friends With Benefits, Guilt, M/M, POV Dick Grayson, Painful Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2018-11-11
Packaged: 2019-08-22 08:32:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16594460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crookedspoon/pseuds/crookedspoon
Summary: Dick feels guilty over many things, but mainly his feelings for Damian and using Roy to hide them from himself.





	I would hold you down if I could

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Fudgyokra](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fudgyokra/gifts).



> For #32 “I think I’m in love with you and I’m terrified.” from [this prompt list](https://crookedspoonfic.tumblr.com/post/179910666220/send-me-a-pairing-and-a-number-and-ill-write-you) on tumblr and "Forbidden Love" at hc-bingo.
> 
> So much for "drabble", eh? Also, I created a new DickDami wip folder for this. Hope you're happy now lol.

Dick has a problem. A five-foot-four problem that's currently nestled against his side.

No, that's not right. Damian is not the problem. 

_He_ is.

He wants to gather Damian in his arms, brush his bangs from his forehead, and press a kiss to his temple. Wants to carry him to his bed and just... cradle him until morning. Watch his face soften with sleep, his chest rise and fall in a steady rhythm, feel his warm breath tickle his skin.

Nothing more. Nothing more than that.

It calms him to know that Damian is all right. That he can sleep peacefully, without nightmares to disturb his slumber.

He likes to think it's his own presence that makes Damian feel safe enough to fall asleep without a knife tucked under the nearest pillow. Knowing him, however, he probably has one hidden in his socks or something. Dick smiles at the thought.

Credits are rolling on the TV and the trailer of another movie starts, but Dick only has eyes for Damian. He's drooling onto Dick's chest and it stirs something uncomfortable inside him. Dick stops stroking the soft skin at Damian's hip where his shirt has ridden up. 

"Ready to move on to the real Netflix and chill?" Roy asks, fingers dragging along the back of the sofa as he moves around it. 

Dick still feels awkward about the fact that it was _Damian_ who explained to him the colloquial meaning of 'Netflix and chill'. Not so much because the kid knows about sex – he'd known about that since before they met – but because he blushed when he enlightened Dick, which in turn made Dick blush, too.

For a moment, he'd been able to believe that Damian was blushing because—

No, he wouldn't have been thinking what Dick what been thinking.

The cushion next to him dips and he wonders how Damian what it meant. Beast Boy is the likely candidate to have told him. No brain-to-mouth filter on that one. Roy's knee brushes against Dick's thigh as he leans over to kiss him, to make him forget about the warm weight on his arm and all the awkward, terrible things that'd been going through his head.

Guilt lodges inside Dick's throat. But it doesn't stop him from kissing Roy back. If anything, it encourages him.

A needy breath escapes him as Roy tips his head back to gain better access to his mouth. His lips feel so good against his own, his tongue even better.

Roy's other knee nudges against the hand covering the juncture of Dick's thighs and it's only then that he notices he's been lightly squeezing his cock and balls this entire time. He removes his hand and tangles it in Roy's hair.

His nerves flutter because Damian could wake up any second.

Perhaps Roy notices his tension, perhaps he's thinking the same. In any case, he asks, "Shouldn't we move someplace quieter and more comfortable?"

Dick just nods, eyes glazing over with lust and unable to tear away from the wet sheen on Roy's lips.

It's good, this feeling, this distraction that Roy offers. Through it, Dick is able to kiss Damian's forehead and lay him down on the couch cushions without lingering too much. He just strokes his thumb down his baby-soft cheek before throwing a blanket over him and tucking him in.

"You really love this kid, don't you?" Roy asks and kisses the back of Dick's neck. It must have been impossible to miss the tenderness of the moment.

"Yeah," Dick says, "unfortunately."

Roy breathes a laugh, unable to comprehend the truth in that statement.

Their fingers tangle together as Roy tugs them towards the bedroom. Dick follows readily, but his heart is heavy.

It's not right to use Roy like this, even if he's fairly certain Roy is doing the same to him, using him to deal with his heartache over Donna. Dick is fine with that. As long as he can help his friend, it's all worth it in the end. 

Safer than the alternative.

Roy is attentive, too. He never once forgets who he's with: he finds each of Dick's weak spots he's mapped out years ago and which are still as familiar to him as the fletchings of his arrows.

Dick melts under him. Strong calloused fingers are brushing over his ribs, stealing into the back of his pants and grabbing onto the prize they find there.

Dick bites his bottom lip to stifle a loud moan when a digit penetrates him. His hips roll against Roy of their own accord. He's impatient, he can't wait for Roy to take him apart already.

Everything is too slow, too teasing, and Dick knows he won't be able to handle Roy's endless foreplay tonight. Nor has he earned it. His head is elsewhere.

He flips them over and grinds their hips together. Roy's length feels so good against his own, even trapped as they are in layers of clothing. He captures Roy's lip between his teeth before sliding his tongue into his hot mouth.

Roy curls his finger deeper and Dick exhales sharply. His own fingers itch to do the same.

"What do you say we skip the niceties and go right to the main action?" Dick husks against Roy's lips as he reaches down to knead Roy's erection through his pants.

"Fuck. Dickie," is all he can say, so he nods. His eyes are dark with want and smoldering into Dick's own.

Dick moves off to grab the condoms and the lube, knowing fully well he's not as focused on Roy as he could or should be. But Roy doesn't seem to mind. He's undressed as quickly as Dick is and his cock is flexing when Dick so much as looks at it.

Dick pumps it gently and runs the flat of his tongue from root to tip. Roy's groans are encouraging and once a condom sheathes it, Dick sucks the head into his mouth, slowly taking him deeper. But even now, he can't shake the images of attentive green eyes beneath a dark shock of hair glistening the same as small, plump lips that are, for once, not stretched into an arrogant smirk.

Dick impales his throat on Roy's cock. He can't–he _shouldn't_ let his mind go there.

Roy is trembling when Dick crawls back up and over him, almost ready to beg for Dick to go slower. But he wouldn't. He never denies Dick.

"Woah, woah, don't you wannna—oh, _shit._ "

Dick forces himself down on Roy without the usual prep that sometimes takes hours, because Roy takes more pleasure in eating and fingering Dick than actually fucking him. In a bout of self-consciousness, he once confessed that he doesn't deserve to touch someone as pretty as Dick.

Well, Dick doesn't deserve to be worshiped tonight. He needs it to _hurt._

And hurt it does. It's a fitting answer to the terrible feelings he's harboring, the feelings he can't rid himself off, not even now.

He thinks of the boy sleeping just a room away and has to bite his knuckles to keep himself from crying out. He's not sure anymore if he wants Damian to hear, or even to walk in on them and see what a slut his big brother is, who uses his best friend to divert himself. Maybe then, Damian would see how disgusting Dick is and would stop looking up to him, would stop loving him, too.

No matter how fond they are of each other, Damian is still a kid and Dick is twice as old as him. That alone ought to give him pause. And it does, in a way. He doesn't want to corrupt Damian, not before he's had a chance to make his own experiences. (Dick hates himself for not thinking "not ever.")

So he teases him about Superboy, and his heart aches when Damian blushes. But it's only right. Damian should stick to his own age group, no matter that he feels they are stupid and beneath him. If nothing else, it'll teach him tolerance.

Dick needs to stop thinking about Damian, but it doesn't help that he begs Roy to fuck him hard and fast, or that Roy obliges him by pounding him from behind, each snap of his hips another knife inside Dick. All it does is remind him that he'd hurt Damian just the same, if not worse, if he were ever to give in to that dark part of himself that doesn't want to let go of Damian.

Perhaps he should just stay away completely and never meet Damian alone anymore, much less let him into his apartment.

Damian wouldn't like being denied, and Dick would like denying him even less, but they'd both get used to it eventually.

It's only right for him to stay away. And safer than the alternative, in any case. For both of them.

Because Dick doesn't know how long he can keep his feelings to himself anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "The Enemy" by Andrew Belle.


End file.
